Trust is the cornerstone that the temple of your love will be built upon. The most consistent flaw of relationships that I see is when people are in a relationship where they don’t particularly trust the other person. How can you make any substantial or real connection with your “loved” one if there is an undertone of distrust and suspicion?
If you acknowledge a problem without offering a solution, then you are just complaining. So here is my solution to the problem of lack of trust in a relationship. Get Out! Simple right? It really is. Why are you wasting your time loving someone when the cornerstone of your alleged love is not firm? It is conditional love, love based on how much he or she is willing to repeatedly profess their trustworthiness and perform acts that reinforce your fickle acceptance and faith.
Do we all fall short at times and act as less than completely trustworthy partners? Yes, we are imperfect humans and will have moments that cast an unflattering light upon us. But love sees past our human flaws and accepts that there is a deeper spiritual and emotional connection that will sustain us through the tough times.
So how do you build trust? Over time trust will come naturally. It cannot be forced and coerced. Interviewing, interrogating, badgering your loved one about where they are, what they are doing and who they are with doesn’t build trust. It builds contempt. The person asking the questions rarely fully believes the answers they are told and the person being asked the questions harbors more negative emotions and resentment.
I’m not saying that you should go blindly into a relationship and be naive to the point where someone abuses your trust but you have to trust unconditionally in order to love unconditionally. You have to have the ability to truly forgive but not forget. Don’t forget because you need to learn and grow from the experience but you must forgive, truly forgive. Otherwise you create an abyss of incomplete love. You have to believe that your partner loves you and respects you enough not to deceive you. If you don’t have those feelings, it’s not likely you ever will. It’s time to move on. Have the courage to admit to yourself that you are not with the right person.
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Very interesting post. Of course, there are some questions I have about building trust. I read in Dr. Ronn Elmore's "How to Love a Black Man" that a woman should trust a man until he gives her reason not to. For those women who have been burned by several men, how do they do that? How do they automatically attempt to trust someone when their experiences have led to general mistrust of men?
ReplyDeleteI agree with your solution to get out of relationships where there is mistrust, but I think that so many women (and men) are so guarded that they begin relationships with a wall up (who doesn't?). I think you have to be cautious when you start to date someone you don't know well. I just think that if you got out of every relationship where you felt anxiety and a certain level of mistrust, you wouldn't be in any relationships. Now, if the person has done something to cause you to lose trust, then definitely that needs to be cut off.
There are so many situations where your solution is easier said than done. A housewife with several kids whose husband habitually cheats on her can't just get out, can she?
Sorry, I had to throw out some hypotheticals! :-)
It's a risky proposition, exposing your heart to someone but it can be done is layers, like peeling an onion. But it is unfair for a new person in your life to stand trial for the crimes of those previous to him/her. Each new experience deserves to have a clean canvas.
ReplyDeleteCaution is advised, of course. There should be a guarded approach to any new experience. If there are signs of a problem early on, address it head on or step away completely.
I don’t pretend to speak from my ivory tower. I am learning to deal with the same issues that I blog about. I am merely sharing my personal experiences and the experiences of those close to me. You are right, the solution is easy to say and harder to do. I think it takes an amazing amount of courage and recognizing that your own happiness should be on par with the happiness of your children or anyone else. When does that wife’s / husband’s unhappiness become transparent and start to impact what the children and others regard as a healthy and positive relationship model? Is there a limit to self sacrifice? The mask of happiness looks pretty from afar but at a closer look it can be soiled and stained by the tears of regret and denial.
Love is not a science or an art. It is a journey and each one of us must hack through the weeds of uncertainty, fear, pain and loneliness to find our hidden palace of dreams.